Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is Nick, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."
Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]
Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."
Tech Support: "Oh, sorry..."
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Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"
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Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
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Customer: "Right, this computer's gone all crazy. It's blinking, beeping, and doing all sorts of stuff!"
Tech Support: "What were you doing with the computer at the time?"
Customer: "I was dusting it."
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A lady was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She mentioned the power strip, so I told her to flip it off. She said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel better."
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Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, do you see the button on the right hand side of your mouse?"
Customer: "No, there's a printer and a phone on the right hand side of my mouse."
Tech Support: Hmmmm.... Let's try a different approach.
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A lady struck up a conversation with me on an aeroplane.
Her: "And where are you going?"
Me: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."
Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you!"
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Working as an ISP phone tech, I get calls from a good deal of customers who think we have ESP:
Customer: "I have a problem. OR, I have a question."
[Long pause] Me: "Yes?"
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Tech Support: "Now click on 'OK'."
[sounds of furious clicking and typing]
Tech Support: "Hello?"
Customer: "Hold on a second."
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One time I was trying to set up a customer's e-mail program. I walked him through setting up an account with the incoming and outgoing server names set to "mail," but it didn't work. I tried again, and it still didn't work. I was starting to right out of ideas, and then the customer said, "If my mail server name is 'male,' does that mean my girlfriend's server is 'female'?"
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Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
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Tech Support: "Sir, I need you to click just once on your dialup networking icon."
Customer: "Ok..."
clicka...clicka...clicka...clicka...clicka...clicka...clicka...clicka...
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My mother called one night because her ISP had a new phone number, and she wanted to know how to update her connection information. I led her step by step through the procedure, finishing with, "So next time you run the e-mail client, it'll just dial the new number. But don't do that now because we'll get disconn--"
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Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
Customer: "Where are those?"
Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
Customer: "Nothing happened."
Tech Support: "Try again."
Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
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Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters change size."
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Tech Support: "No, Sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."
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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
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Tech Support: "Hi, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uh, yeah, I can't print."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir, I want you to click 'Start' and--"
Customer: "Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!"
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Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
[THUMP! Pause.] Customer: "Nope, that didn't help."
Submitted by Paulie
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